JACUZZI

Le Système prestige au massage en profondeur
Translated from the manual for an outdoor Jacuzzi in St.-Tropez

 

You don’t have to be a licensed plumber or masseur,
Dear Madame and her fellow bather, Dear Monsieur,

So memorizing these few precepts should suffice:
But such voluptuous perfection has its price,

And while our aim ideally is to purge the senses,
Improper use could cause unpleasant consequences,

But rest assured our patented hydraulics can provide
Complete fulfilment with some attention to the guide

Without fear of drowning or electrocution
Given more-than-average execution

As poorly set pneumatic systems without much urging
Can easily result in sudden purging,

And inattention to the proper motor
Could end with more than water in the rotor,

So forgive us if in passing we just mention
The disturbing fruits of inattention:

That if the vents and their injectors are not exactly equal,
Utilize the buttons to avoid the sequel

And keep your back aggressively in place
As you effortlessly immerse the face,

Balancing your feet above the many threats
That temperature produces in the jets,

Turning left to drain the body’s heat,
Avoiding thus occasions at the feet,

Never resting for a second static
As the air-fed blades are automatic

And will target those who are too slow
With an all-too-frequent undertow,

Orienting our enormous motors at the slack
In lethargic hip, or thigh, or back

And, notwithstanding all your decorous intentions,
Keep yourselves above the open engines,

Never trying any fatal stunts
Such as pulling down the levers more than once,

But follow this unbending simple path
And keep in mind, dear clients, that our bath

Exists entirely to rid you of the strife
Attendant on the pace of modern life.